Free yourself from the stress of "yes."

Are you one of the  many people who frequently say yes when they’d really rather say no? How’s that working for you?

Yes is too often an automatic response rather than a thoughtful one, and that’s a fabulous way to end up feeling overwhelmed with obligations.

Whether you want to be helpful, be perceived as helpful, look like a go-getter, or subconsciously act as if you’re the ONLY PERSON who can get the job done, yes can suck up your energy, your time, and even your excitement about life.  

Am I advocating that you turn down all requests?  Absolutely not.  Am I advocating that you respect yourself as much as you respect others by saying no when no is best for you?  Absolutely yes. ☺

Here are some straightforward questions to ask yourself to determine whether a situation calls for a sacred yes or a sacred no.

• Would fulfilling this request support or trample one of my core values?  For example, if a core value is spending quality time with your family, but a request for help would severely cut into your family time, that’s a clue that your appropriate answer is no.      

• Do I genuinely have the bandwidth to do this without damaging my mental, emotional, or physical health?  Note that this question is not, “Can I handle it?”  It’s more about whether it’s in your best interests to handle it. 

• Would a yes response have any element of “should” in it?  Should-ing on yourself is a short-cut to burnout, resentment, and living your life by default rather than design.

• When I look back on my ultimate decision, am I likely to feel better having said yes or having said no?  I find this “reflection in advance” approach often works beautifully when I’m uncertain about what to do.

• Do I feel a heaviness (emotional or physical) when I think about saying yes?  When I think about saying no?   Perceived weight, whether emotional or actually physical, is a pretty good clue that you perceive the request to be an unwelcome burden. 

• Can I allow myself to still feel like a good, worthwhile person if I say no?  This might sound a bit flip, but it’s an important question to ask if most of your life you’ve been rewarded for being a helpful “good girl” or “good boy.”

So, let’s say you’ve concluded that you want to decline the request for help.  How do you say no without acting or feeling like a jerk?  Here are some of my favorite phrases that allow you to set a firm boundary without being obnoxious about it.

• I’m going to pass on that.
• That doesn’t work for me.
• My other commitments make it impractical for me to take that on.
• I don’t have the bandwidth to add that to my plate.
• That’s not do-able for me at this time.

Use these two powerful tricks to make these polite but firm refusals even more effective:

1. Practice them ahead of time so you can whip them out of your back pocket at a moment’s notice.      
2. Be prepared to turn into a broken record with them.  In other words, if your initial refusal is met with, “Oh, c’mon!  I was really counting on you”  – or something equally manipulative – acknowledge that the other person made a comment but do not engage with it.  Don’t get into a debate or discussion; simply acknowledge their comment and repeat your answer.  “I understand that, and I’m still going to pass.”  Repeat as necessary until the other person realizes you have set a boundary and you are going to respect it.

If you're thinking you could use some support in unleashing your inner "just say no" person, see which of my free DIY Guides sound right for you.

(BTW, thanks to kimubert for posting the NO! image in the Creative Commons section of Flickr.)